A couple of weeks ago, I gushed something about my upcoming wedding on my personal Facebook page. A friend of mine commented: “You are, without a doubt, the most enthusiastic bride I’ve ever known.” I blushed at this sweet comment, but immediately I also thought, “Aren’t all brides this enthusiastic?”
I spent most of my life thinking I would never get married (even convincing myself for many years in my 20’s and 30’s that marriage was a stupid, overrated social contract). I thought all of these things as a way of protecting myself from the crater of sadness I felt. You see, deep down inside, I have always wanted to get married, since I was a little girl. Not necessarily for the sake of marriage itself, but to share my life intimately with another person. But I really believed it would never happen for me. Until recently, gay people couldn’t get married, legally anyway. When I was in my 20’s in the 90’s I could never have imagined that gay marriage would ever be legal. Most gay couples didn’t even have ceremonies back then like they do now, legality aside. The message: our lives, our relationships and our experiences were just not as important or valid as those in the rest of society. So a hope of marriage? I had none of it. I wrote about that a little bit here when I got engaged.
And then there is how long it took me to find a relationship with someone I’d actually want to marry, or who would want to marry me. I was 40 years old when I met Clay. FORTY. I am 45 now. That is a long time to wait, especially when there is a crater of sadness inside of you.
So, yes, I am enthusiastic about getting married. A wedding is something I never thought I would plan or experience. Sharing a life with someone as stellar as Clay was formerly a pipe dream. And now it’s real, it’s really happening. The pomp, the celebration of our love, the witnesses, the vows. And then, our life together — probably not much different than it is now — but we will be married. And maybe soon (if the Supreme Court does the right thing) our marriage will be legal.
I am extremely joyful, yes I am.